Create a balance between narrative and reflection
Watch for excessive sentimentality, Growing up with a younger brother who suffered from a chronic seizure and heart condition helped me develop an acute sense of responsibility towards those in need. Oftentimes, my desire to help others required personal sacrifices. After I graduated college in 2010, I decided to indefinitely postpone my plans to attend graduate school in order to help my family’s struggling flower business. After two years of working as a florist, I started to question whether I would ever be back in a classroom again. In the summer of 20 12, 1 embarked on a two-week long medical mission trip to Peru, with the belief that serving others would help me refocus my life.
By 4 PM on the last day of our trip, we had distributed all of the medicine, but there were still many villagers who were waiting in line. As the remaining villagers dejectedly walked away from our campsite, I could not help but feel like I had personally failed. My heart ached. For these villagers, our medication and treatment was the only form of primary care that they would ever receive. My conscience was burdened by the thought of leaving them behind, still in pain. As we began loading the bus to leave, a little girl named Sidra and her family entered through the rusted schoolyard gate.
She sprinted towards me, while her mother and grandmother apologetically followed in tow. ‘Dulces’ ‘Dulces’ She demanded candy, and lots of it. 1 greeted her family and explained to them that they had unfortunately come too late, and that we no longer had any candy or medicine left over. As Sidra began to cry, her mother and grandmother apologized on behalf of the child and began to walk away with their shoulders sunken in at their sides. The finality in the way that they walked away from our camp stirred me to action. I ran over to Sidra’s mother and firmly cupped both of her hands in mine.
She and I were both startled by the directness of my action. Now, almost in tears, I pleaded with her: “I don’t have medicine and I don’t have candy, but is there any other way that I can help you?” She tightened her grip and smiled. 1 startled her again as I began to pour out the contents of my backpack in front of her. I picked up the two granola bars and a bag of almonds that had fallen out and gave them to Sidra. A smile on her face blossomed. But it wasn’t enough. I wanted to do something more for this family. I was looking for Tylenol when I found an unopened package of Korean pain relief patches in the front pocket of my backpack. I asked Sidra’s grandmother where she was hurting and I placed the patches on her wrist and back. Shortly thereafter, my team called for me from the bus and in what felt like a blur of a moment, I held Sidra, her mother, and her grandmother in a teary embrace, thanking them.
I always thought that I needed a better channel to translate my desire to help others, and my experience in Peru solidified this. Whenever my heart would be burdened by the same inconsolable feeling of not being able to help those most in need of protection, I acted. After years of seeing my mother crying at the hospital because she was unable to communicate in English with my brother’s doctors and nurses, I studied Korean rigorously and began translating for my family. When my brother was diagnosed with a heart condition in my senior year of high school, I chose an undergraduate institution that was close to home in order to be available in case of emergencies. When I found out that many of my fellow church members were being forced to leave the country because of visa issues, I used my bilingual abilities to tutor them in English, and prepare them for interviews with potential employers. After I began working as a corporate recruiter, I actively sought out companies that were willing to sponsor these individuals with HI-B visas.
Eventually, my desire to serve others became second nature to me. So much so that I was unable to recognize that it had also developed into a passion and a reason for why I wanted to go to law school. Sidra and her family eventually helped me realize this. I saw my own family and community in Sidra’s family. As they began to walk away, I asked myself whether I would be able to leave my own family behind in good conscience if they were in the same position as Sidra’s. I already knew the answer, and yet that was exactly what I was about to do. Although my team and I were able to provide some relief to the villagers, I knew that it was only a temporary solution. I couldn’t help but feel like there was only so much that I could do as one individual.
Until now, I have been relying on my own efforts to help others. However, I believe that the law can empower me in a way that transcends my limitations as an individual, and help me expand my reach. I hope to one day be able to promote systematic changes through improving the legal and policy frameworks that protect whole communities. I believe that this is the next logical step in my life’s commitment to serving others. I hope that through a formal legal education and training, I will be better equipped to protect and serve those who are most in need of protection, both domestically and abroad.
JD MISSION REVIEW
Overall Lesson
Avoid sentimentality
First Impression
The candidate’s first paragraph is concise and informative. It moves at a quick pace but does not omit important details, which can be a difficult balance to achieve. I am therefore immediately impressed with his writing skills (though he should say “often” rather than “oftentimes”). I also am looking forward to learning more about his life in the rest of the essay.
Strengths
The candidate has some great material to work with, and a few of his paragraphs are excellent. His strong writing skills shine throughout the essay.
Weaknesses
The sentence “For these villagers, our medication and treatment was the only form of primary care that they would ever receive” involves too extreme of a claim. Take care to avoid making statements like this. The candidate cannot actually know that the assistance his team has provided will be the only primary care the villagers ever receive. What if other groups like his provide aid in the future? What if, in the best-case scenario, a medical facility is built in the village? Making predictions about the lives of others, especially in such absolute terms, can sound patronizing.
Another language issue appears in this sentence: “As Sidra began to cry, her mother and grandmother apologized on behalf of the child and began to walk away with their shoulders sunken in at their sides.” Be wary of invoking cliches in this way-using the phrase “sunken shoulders” to describe someone who is sad is so common that it can sound cartoonish, and you certainly do not want to seem as though you are objectifying the people in your story. The candidate should instead try to remember and more authentically describe how the family members actually looked, apart from their slumped shoulders, and if he cannot, he should simply say something along the lines of “I could sense their disappointment as they walked away.”
Likewise, some of the language choices in the fourth paragraph give the essay a level of sentimentality that does not work very well. The candidate sounds a bit self-centered when he describes himself as being “almost in tears”-he is not the impoverished one in the story-so I would remove that phrase. Also, simply saying that the girl smiled is better than saying that her smile is “blossomed” (another cliche). Finally, he should cut the description of the embrace at the end of the paragraph. Although I have no doubt that this was a meaningful moment for the candidate, the description of it borders on self-absorbed. Fortunately, the paragraph is just as effective-actually, more so-without this sentence.
Final Assessment
Once the candidate removes some of the sentimentality from the middle of the essay, his personal statement will be quite good. He delivers his theme in the last sentence of the penultimate paragraph: “Although my team and I were able to provide some relief to the villagers, I knew that it was only a temporary solution. I couldn’t help but feel like there was only so much that I could do as one individual.” If the candidate can arrive at this idea in a well-supported way, and without too much melodrama, he will have a strong essay to submit for consideration.
