Recognize that your background win not speak for itself
Five years ago, I wrote articles for the local newspapers decrying the miseducation of young Black males. These articles became the basis of the school I founded: [School Name]. After walking the corridors of corporate America and making my way through the public school system, I decided enough was enough. No more talking-it was time to put my thoughts to action, thus [School Name] was born.
Title XI prevented public funding for single-sex education institutions.
With very little money, my prospects for creating an all-male urban school were dismal. My options were limited but I was undeterred. I began giving lectures at churches, local bars, barbershops, anywhere I could get an audience to listen to the urgent need to end the destruction of Urban Males. The lectures did generate money, but not nearly enough.
I had to be innovative in order to compensate for the lack of money. I reorganized how the school would operate. [School Name] would operate a like a college, with adjunct professors instead of full-time teachers. The administration and part-time faculty would make up the core of the [school]. The recession made it easy to attract the highly educated professionals to the [school].
[School Name] opened its doors in 2008. My strategy and growth plan were sound. Every instructor had a master’s degree, law degree or some other advanced degree. Future plans for a blended learning technique using video conferencing would allow [School Name] to hire some of the best instructors around the world. But my mindset changed, as I witnessed the young men’s attitudes and behaviors. The building was often dirty; computers were stolen; and while many of the young men were making academic progress, it was not enough, and certainly not what I anticipated. America had just elected its first African-American president but the students seem oblivious to the election. They stilled called each other nigger.I knew there would be growing pains, but I did not foresee this one. I had removed all the obstacles that I presumed were what impeded academic achievement for many urban males. We had excellent instructors; there were no unions with which to haggle. There were no subliminal messages of inferiority. Yet, here we were still in the same place.
As my thinking changed, so did my conversations. I would often point out to the students how no white people had come to the facility and soiled it-Black people had. No white man stole any computers; Black people did. No white man put a gun to your head and told you that you couldn’t read; you made that decision. While years earlier I had stood before crowds discussing the Black man’s plight, I was now discussing the Black man’s fault.
In short, it became clear to that were cultural issues at play that had not been addressed by the community.
The increased responsibility and unbounded creativity that comes with working for ‘and creating a start-up is unparalleled. Starting from the twin premises that law is a cultural form and that culture carries the regulative force of legal practices and norms, I seek to advance my knowledge of work in law, culture studies and public interest, and to approach law more generally as a regime for ordering social life, constructing cultural meaning, and shaping group and individual identities.
My diverse work experience and master’s degree provide a perfect foundation to tackle the issues faced by a general counsel. At this juncture in my life, I seek more challenge and personal growth in a field that calls on my written skills and attention to detail. My background will bring a unique perspective to the [target law school’s] classroom and will make me marketable upon graduation in the field of public interest. By pursuing a law degree, I intend to enter a profession that aligns with the interests and aptitudes I have discovered and developed through my real work experience. It is through deep personal reflection that I have decided that law is the natural extension of my training, personality and talents.
JD MISSION REVIEW
Overall Lesson
Even if you have an extraordinary track record, your personal statement will not write itself
First Impression
The beginning of the personal statement needs work. On the one hand, the essay is full of potential-the candidate founded a school, which is really impressive! Naturally, he would want to discuss what led him to that enormous achievement. On the other hand, mentioning the newspaper articles he wrote is not the best way to introduce his accomplishment. The connection between the candidate’s journalistic work and his motivation for founding a school is tenuous and vague to me. He mentions the “mis-education of young Black males,” but what does he mean by that? Adding more specifics would strengthen the initial portion of the essay.
Strengths
Clearly, this candidate has a righteous spirit, an entrepreneurial streak, and the ability and commitment to follow through on ideas. I like that he reconsiders his prior views over the course of the essay, which demonstrates that he is capable of growth and humble enough to both change his mind and be upfront about it. The story itself.-the founding of the school and the surprising obstacles that shaped his view-is also compelling.
Weaknesses
The candidate needs to do significant work to clarify some of his statements and reinforce the essay’s theme so that I understand both why he is telling this story and precisely what happened. For example, he says he was relentless in finding an audience for his message to “end the destruction of Urban Males,” but what exactly does he mean by “destruction”? I can guess what he might be alluding to-issues such as the number of men of color in prisons, the attrition rates in public schools, standardized test scores-but maybe he means something else. I should not have to guess. For this essay to be as powerful as it could be, I need to know what he cares about.
Likewise, the essay is lacking at least one sentence at the end that summarizes how the candidate now views the school he founded. As is, the essay seems unresolved. What is the school’s status now? What will happen to it when he leaves to attend law school? In addition, he claims that he began to speak and see things differently, but how did doing so lead to his desire to study law? In the essay, he moves from identifying a problem within the community to making an abstract observation about what being the founder of a start-up means. What aspect of his experience will influence his legal (or law-related) career? And how does he plan to use the things he will learn in law school? How will he apply his degree? These elements of his story need to be clarified.
Final Assessment
This personal statement could be quite powerful with an adequate amount of revision. This would have to include heavy attention to grammar and syntax, because the number of errors in this current version is too high for it to be a final draft. As is, the essay is far from ready for submission.
