“Comparison is the death of joy.” This wise line was said by Mark Twain long ago. Comparing ourselves to each other is a natural human behaviour that has evolved to help us live together as a cohesive group, to help us learn from one another, and to keep us from falling too far behind our potential. It also helps us to define ourselves, to see how we’re doing in various areas of life and can even help us feel better about ourselves in many cases. It can also be stressful, too if we compare more than we need to.
Social comparison is a common human dynamic that first raises its head when children are very small. Think of the toddlers who get upset when they see another kid with a new toy that they don’t have. Also, the fact that the teacher said very good to one toddler and gave him a gold star on his drawing, makes some other kids feel bad. Parents have a role to play in this this too. Comparisons start even before a child reaches his play school. The where (location is prime or not), what, how much, admission process, which famous parents’ kids go there- such talks are not to enlighten the other parents, but more as a show off.
Social comparison gains momentum in elementary school when kids follow trends/fashions. To be considered “cool” you have to be watching the latest tv show or wearing the best clothes.
Then, in high school, the world of brand names, popular music, cliques, and FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) is when social comparison really takes hold, and it never quite goes away as people focus on getting into the best colleges, landing the best jobs, and building a picture-perfect life. Mothers constantly discussing the laurels of their grownup kids during the social lunches and coffees, adding extra stress on the others whose kids are not going to ivy league colleges or working with a world famous MNC.
Adults face many of the same social comparison pressures as teens to one degree or another: comparing looks, social status, material items, and even relationships.
Researchers have identified two types of social comparison:
Upward social comparison:
Here we look at people we feel are better off than we are in an attempt to become inspired and more hopeful. For instance, you might feel inspired by your boss. You compare yourself to try and make changes so that you can get on their level one day.
Downward social comparison:
Here we look at people who we feel are worse off than we are, in an effort to feel better about ourselves and our situation. This sounds pretty mean, but everyone has done it at some point or another. Let’s say you’re upset that you cannot afford to go to this fine dining restaurant with your friends. Then, if you happen to see someone who is counting coins to buy a burger on the street, you might begin to feel slightly better about your own financial situation because it allows you to put your life in a new perspective.
One factor that affects whether social comparisons are helpful or harmful is our self-esteem, the stressors we already have in our lives, and whether we’re making upward or downward social comparisons.
People who have higher self-esteem and fewer stressors in their lives tend to fare better with social comparisons. They also might be less inclined to compare themselves to other people altogether.
Upward social comparisons—comparing ourselves to those who are better off as a way to get inspired can make us feel just that—inspired. People embarking on a particular career path might follow their favourite leaders/role models on Social Media to stay motivated to achieve their own goals.
Social media takes social comparison to a whole new level. We see who is doing what we’re not, and we may become stressed wondering if we’re doing enough, earning enough, and enjoying life enough. We compare our regular lives with other people’s curated best memories.
Many people find that social media exacerbates social comparison in all the worst ways, making many of us feel worse about ourselves and lowering our self-esteem. While these feelings can sometimes be automatic, we should not let social comparison be an important part of deciding who we are. We should control our usage of social media and its impact on us, and not vice versa.
Here are some simple ways you can train your brain to care less about what others are doing or thinking.
Find Role Models- If you’re working to keep up with role models, you can gain the benefits of their success (personal motivation, seeing what works for them, etc.) without adding the element of competitiveness to your own relationships. So, it might be better to follow an influencer or celebrity rather than look to your closest friend as a role model as that could put a strain on your relationship.
Create a Support Circle- To help avoid harmful comparisons, try building a circle of supportive people and focus on them. This can be a group of friends who share a common goal. If you’re into writing or painting, you can find a group of people who are also interested in the creative arts and get together from time to time and critique each other’s work.
And most importantly, count your blessings. When you find yourself making comparisons, try to “even the score” in your head. If you’re feeling envious of someone else’s victory, remind yourself of your own triumphs and strengths. The attitude of gratitude is the best leveller that keeps us grounded and grateful for what we have, rather than feeling jealous and stressed about what we don’t have.
“I generally find that comparison is the fast track to unhappiness. No one ever compares themselves to someone else and comes out even. Nine times out of ten, we compare ourselves to people who are somehow better than us and end up feeling more inadequate”, so wisely said by Jack Canfield. Remember to keep the keys of your happiness in your own pocket.
