Quadruple-check your grammar
Our world changed forever, not just for Americans but for everyone, I am referring to when the United States (US) economy crashed in September 2008. In that time, I was beginning my religious studies at Columbia International University (CIU) in Columbia, SC. While I was a full-time seminarian, I was also working full-time as a Registered Nurse at Carolinas Medical Center in Charlotte, NC in a position that paid a per diem rate. At this point in my life I thought I was doing pretty well for myself, as I was 26 years old, a single woman, who was ambitious, driven, and had her 5-, 10-, and 15 year plan on cruise control. In addition, I was a homeowner in Charlotte, NC. As I was a residing in Charlotte, I was commuting back and forth to Columbia, SC for class which was almost a two hour drive each way.
Yet, this story had a major shift when in 2009; I had to leave my job due to lack of available hours. Then in 2011, I was unable to finish my seminary studies due to finances. On top of all that the stress of my economic situation began to take a toll on my health. Then in 2012, my home of 5 years was foreclosed on. At this point, I was 30 years old woman who had a promising future, but yet had lost everything I had worked hard for and saw as my trophies for all my achievements.
But in the end, all I had left was my faith, my education, and my determination to not allow my life to be paralyzed by these extreme economic hardships. If it was not for the prayers and support of my family, I do not know how I would have made it through this tough time. For months, I kept replaying these experiences over in my mind in trying to figure out what mistakes did I make to get to this point, and if I did not make any mistakes then why did this have to happen to me. I did everything I could to prevent these horrible events from taking place. I used all my resources and educated myself to the best of my ability to prevent such events from taking place in my life.
But all with no avail, I had to come to the realization that I did lose it all and that there was nothing else I could do to have prevent it from happening or to have changed the course of events. When I did finally accept the fact, which took me a long time to do, I said I would use all that I went through to make me a stronger and wiser person. In addition, I believe I did not go through all these hardships for myself, but to be able to relate to others who have had such experiences or are experiencing very trying times in their own lives.
Since 2010, I had a growing, burning desire to go to law school but one thing after another made me doubt myself and my ability to achieve such a goal as law school because of its extreme rigorousness and demanding academic commitment, more so than nursing school. Yet, even during my hardships, my desire to seek a career in the legal profession grew even more with further clarity about why I had to go through what I went through. I have always seen the importance of advocacy, but now I see it in a broader sense in that advocacy is not just about speaking up for others but having the passion and drive to fight for the rights of others at any cost.
Therefore, if my experiences have helped me to overcome the fear and doubt of accepting my fate in pursuing a career in the legal profession then in a bitter-sweet way it was worth it. These experiences will in turn make me a much more effective, efficient, compassionate, and dedicated professional in the legal field. In addition, I will be able to impact my community on a local, national, and global level.
I am determined now more than ever to move forward in seeking a legal education at Harvard Law School (HLS) for the school’s history and reputation as well as its commitment to public service by providing legal aid to the local community, such as your past initiatives in assisting local residents with foreclosures. I have always been community oriented and I commend the school for making it a requirement for each student to have a certain number of pro bono service hours to graduate from HLS. I cannot think of any other school that would prepare me for my future in the legal profession then at HLS. Therefore, I do hope that the Admissions Committee will see my passion and commitment in having to overcome many challenges and hardships to reach this decision in my life in wanting to become a lawyer.
JD MISSION REVIEW
Overall Lesson
In the climax of your essay (the big transition), avoid vagueness and use concrete language instead.
First Impression
The beginning of this essay is too dramatic. A better choice would be to say, “When the U.S. economy crashed in September 2008, I was beginning my religious studies at Columbia International University in Columbia, SC.” As the essay continues, it feels very plot heavy-the candidate tells us what happened to her, but she does not really convey her thoughts about what was happening apart from “I thought I was doing pretty well for myself.” In addition to being too informal, this statement does not describe what was going on in her mind. Why was she working full-time as a nurse while also attending school full-time out of town? Why did she have a two-hour commute? Why was she not living in the city where she attended school or going to school in the city where she lived? We need to know the reasons behind her choices and to understand how her experiences affected her emotionally. She could share her insights by describing her hopes at that time and what she envisioned accomplishing in five years.
Strengths
The candidate comes across as 100% truthful. Her story is painful to read, and many Americans could probably relate to it. She also effectively illustrates her reasoning for wanting to attend law school: she lost her job and her house. She seems to have been without an advocate during her foreclosure, so now she wants to become a legal advocate for others. That is a powerful experience.
Weaknesses
Before she describes the rough patch in her life, she needs to reflect more on the events leading up to it and share her emotional reality. Once the candidate presents her decision to attend law school, we need more concrete details. Did she in fact have a lawyer during her foreclosure? Why did she decide not to resume her religious studies? She says that in 2009, her financial stress began to “take a toll” on her health, but she does not explain what that toll was. I am sure she has answers, but we need more concrete details about her story for this essay to feel complete.
Also, her grammar is problematic enough to be an obstacle for her as both a law student and a lawyer, but even before then as a law school applicant. Her essay contains numerous run-on sentences. In the short term, she should have someone with excellent grammatical skills line edit her work. In the long term, she should take a grammar class or invest in a grammar book. Although the work will likely be tedious and dull initially, she will ultimately learn the fundamentals, and doing so will serve her well for the rest of her life and career.
Final Assessment
I would advise this candidate to consider the questions I have posed in this review and then work the answers into her essay. She should then ask a trusted person to review it line by line and identify and discuss any grammatical problems he/she finds. She has a wonderful and powerful essay buried somewhere in here-she just needs to dig it out and polish it!
